“I’m all for you”: this sentence is enough to destroy a relationship

In the world of adults, even the pain is all-round: I just worked hard in big cities and I want to earn enough down payment, but my parents are ordered to go back to my hometown, find a stable job, and teach my husband; Decoration trivia, the couple’s feelings are almost no longer noisy, from the beginning of the chatter, it has become speechless today; the plan you wrote with all your heart was denied by the boss, and his suggestion you think It doesn’t work at all … Sartre has a famous saying: “Others are hell.” People’s suffering is almost always due to interpersonal relationships, even if the other party repeatedly emphasizes, “I am all for your own good.” Wife, husband, children, parents, boss … Why are these people who are the most important people in life often become the source of our distress? How can we get out of the “hell” of interpersonal relationships and have happiness? In the book “Theory of Choice”, American psychotherapist William Glasser believes that the reason why people feel pain is not that someone is doing something wrong, but that we chose the wrong way to treat someone or something. 1. The world is sick. Why do interpersonal relationships often make us feel pain? Glasser said that is because our relationship with others always falls into the trap of “control”-either you let others do what they do not want to do, or vice versa, you even try to make each other do each other Unwilling to do. For example, after eating, neither you nor your partner want to do the dishes, but one of the parties will say to the other party: “Hey, you should do the dishes because I have washed them too many times.” But it is really useful ? A few days ago, the divorce of the famous Japanese director Kitano Takeo caused a lot of discussion. The “real man” transferred about 1.275 billion yuan of property to his wife, and then went out of the house. Regardless of the pros and cons, if we study the 39-year marriage of Kitano Takeshi, we will find that it is full of control and anti-control. Before Kitano Takeshi became famous, his wife worked as a waitress in a hotel to make money to support his career. This was a very courageous thing. The two lived together in 1980. In 1982, Kitano wanted to break up with his wife, but failed. Subsequently, the female parents secretly used Kitano Takeshi’s badge to register the two for marriage. This clearly touched his bottom line. So the two began a 36-year separation. In the meantime, both parties were derailed in marriage, but his wife was determined not to divorce. In August 1994, Takeno Kitano was paralyzed in half of his face due to a motorcycle accident. He recovered under the care of his wife. However, the love and the killing in these years have been exchanged by Kitano Takeshi in an interview: “Wife is the most terrible person in the world.” But this marriage, which does n’t sound plausible, reflects the status quo of many long-term painful relationships: Obviously it is to make the relationship closer and want to make the other party better, and try to control the other party, but this practice pushes the other party more and more. far. The harder you work, the more distant and painful the relationship. The most terrible thing is that people are not only accustomed to this kind of social paradox, but also do n’t think there is a problem: if you do me satisfied, I will reward you, if you do not satisfy me, I will punish you. It seems right and proper. For example, if the child does not do his homework properly, the parents will keep him at home and not let him go out to play. But as a result, this will only make children more annoying to learn and more resistant to parental education. Parents think that this is the child’s disobedience, so the punishment is increased, and the child has become more rebellious, from not writing homework, to not returning home from school, and the parent-child relationship is getting worse. Did you find it? The result of control must be resistance. The more we force people to care, the more likely we are to lose them. Behind this, there is a kind of “ownership thinking”. That is to say, as long as we think we have others, we will force them to obey the “command” without hesitation-you are my child, so I let you do your homework, you have to obey; you are my girlfriend , So I do n’t allow you to eat with other boys; you are my husband, so you have to give me the salary card. The essence of control is because you feel that you have the right to control and control him. Glaser believes that it is this traditional external control psychology that has brought us into misfortune. In fact, the only thing we can control is ourselves. Therefore, he put forward the “choice theory”. In short, it should not allow outside people or things to be controlled, but to choose their own attitude towards people or things. For example, children