Boundary dynamics in intimacy…

When there is a conflict in the intimate relationship, one side has many demands to chase, while the other side shows back, avoids, and wants to escape. We often see scenes where the wife is chattering and the husband is indifferent. It seems that the wife is strong and does not give people a chance to breathe, but the husband is helpless. Or the wife persuaded patiently, while the husband ignored it. We always want to try to make one side stop nagging, or let the other side try to listen, but it seems difficult to do so. Our physiological structure is in primitive society. When people face danger, attack and other scenarios, there will be three reactions-fighting, running, and stiffness. If I think I can beat him, then I will fight; if I think I can’t beat, eager to survive, then I will run away; If I feel powerless and have lost hope, then I will be there, blocking all information to avoid The body feels intense pain. Fighting, running, and stiffness are the coping patterns that people have accumulated in development. The nervous system that people have developed over thousands of years has firmly remembered this series of response patterns. Studies have shown that people’s autonomic nervous system has a faster response than the cognitive system. What does it mean? When there is a source of stimulus in the outside world, the autonomic nerve responds quickly, and its response speed is 1/100,000th of a second. The cognitive system, the brain, takes 0.01 seconds to realize the existence of pain. For example, when a tiger suddenly appears, you will run away before you think about it. At this time, the autonomic nervous system is playing a role. Therefore, our body is very smart, when the crisis comes, the brain is often too late to respond, and the autonomic nervous system can help us quickly escape. In modern society, the danger of being chased by tigers is not often encountered, but when we encounter pressure, danger or external stimuli, the autonomic nervous system will still react in the first place to help us protect ourselves. When the other party is asking us, our instinctive reaction is: He asked me to do that because I did not do well. These requirements seem to be an attack. Everyone has a tendency to protect themselves, and we will feel attacked when we criticize and deny others. When an attack occurs, we will react in the same way as our ancestors. When I think I can quarrel with each other, we will increase the volume and speed up the speech, like fighting; if I think the other party is too Strong, I may be silent, run away, or be persuaded by him; if I feel unable to communicate, maybe I will be silent and indifferent. When the emotion is in an agitated state, our autonomic nervous system is dominant. At this time, our cognitive system is unable to work and is in a state of cognitive dissonance. At this time, no matter how much truth is said, the other party seems to be inaudible. . Our inner interpretation of the couple in the quarrel, often one party will complain desperately, nagging, aggressive, or annoying. From the nagging side’s point of view, he kept expressing himself, but couldn’t see the other party’s response. The more he couldn’t see the other party’s response, the more I had to use a louder voice and more repetition to let him hear. The other party’s lack of response and avoidance often makes him feel strong anger, and deep inside is a deep sadness. His words seem so unimportant to the other party, and he seems to have no value. The evading party often feels the other party’s strong dissatisfaction with oneself, seeing the other party’s excited emotions makes them afraid, insecure and wants to escape. If he expresses himself, he may enter a more violent quarrel, which is often undesirable. In this chase and escape, the feelings of the two sides are repeated continuously. The more they repeat, the deeper they feel. The more they are used to dealing with the conflict between the two sides in this way. Changing a way of communication When people communicate, there are two kinds of information, one is non-verbal information, and the other is verbal information. Non-verbal information is learned by people in advance, and linguistic information is learned by people acquired. Acquired skills all require the participation of cognitive functions and require a certain amount of time, and non-verbal information can be processed more quickly. Therefore, when communicating and communicating, people will always notice the non-verbal information before understanding the linguistic information. Be good at using non-verbal information when communicating to make the other party feel safe. Non-verbal messages that make the other person feel safe have comprehensible eyes, gentle tone, and accepted body movements, etc., which will make the other person feel accepted.

How to reduce the browsing of overload information and the time of refreshing the screen?

At present, I receive a lot of information every day, from WeChat and emails. It seems to be swallowed by massive information. Is there some way to help me? For modern people, mobile phones have become an essential part of life. While bringing convenience to us, it also caused some problems for many people. Work, life, travel, study, shopping, entertainment, games, communication, etc., are almost inseparable from the machine, or the machine is not away. We can perceive how much time is spent on mobile phone information every day. Of course, the system will help us count. The real question is whether I really need to spend so much time on mass information? How much is closely related to work? How much is irrelevant? But we have to watch again, for fear of missing something, or after reading it, we know that there is no point, but the unconscious time passes quietly, and we wake up again and realize that it has been gone for two or three hours. Massive information is like a huge magnet, constantly drawing attention to the past, making us want to stop. We have not allowed ourselves to lose touch with this world. It seems that we only feel a little safe and secure when we look at various information. In fact, we have unconsciously over-relied on information, and it will evolve into addictive behavior-what needs to be continuously obtained. Does it sound familiar? I believe many people have already experienced or experienced this feeling. If this is the case, you can use five steps to help you reduce the frequency of checking information. Step 1: Decide consciously what to do without having to check frequently. If you spend less time monitoring e-mail (and social media feeds, and anything else that keeps your attention), which method is more effective or happier for you? Some people often want to spend more time doing focused, smart, and creative work during the day, and more time is relaxing, exercising, and hanging out with their families before or after work. In fact, you can reserve time on the calendar, such as “read with children” or “focus on writing / thinking”. Step 2: Schedule three or four specific times to check emails and messages of the day. You can check emails in the morning, noon, and evening. This is the key: reserve enough time to reach the bottom of your inbox in one way or another. If a specific email takes more than 5 minutes to read and reply, put it in a folder (“To Do This Week”), and then add all necessary content to my task list. If you need X hours per day to process email, please make sure you have scheduled X hours per day. Don’t worry about what you will miss, important emergency notifications may generally be kept in touch or reminded by phone. Or take a quick look at the unread emails related to your work. Step 3: Turn off all alarms. Unless you are actively checking emails and messages, you do n’t need to know about the upcoming communication because you will concentrate on other matters. Therefore, please turn off all notifications on desktops, laptops, tablets and smartphones. Vibration count; turn it off. Now, do the same for your text messages and all social media feeds. Breathe with awareness. (Note: You can still resist reading incoming messages even with a determined will, but if you see or hear or feel the message notification, your brain will still be disturbed by the alert. Even a millisecond of such attention Hijacking can make you less focused, reduce your ability to resist other temptations, and make you more irritable.) Step 4: Hide a bowl of candy. If you want to eat less candy, will you bring a bowl with you? Would you put it on the bedside table and then touch it in the morning? Then take it with you to the bathroom? Then try to put it beside you while eating a healthy breakfast? Then put it on your keyboard? This should not be the case. Therefore, please keep a little distance from your smartphone until you really need it. Think of it as a tool, such as a hammer, and you do n’t need to pull it out until one of the strategically specified times. Also note that when the phone may leave your line of sight, what is your experience? Step 5: Watch what happens. Keep an eye on the difficulties with curiosity (maybe humor). How do you feel when you keep checking and not returning information? Now you can’t respond to everything immediately, how do people react to it? Also pay attention to when relaxed and focused

How to distinguish rumors of new coronavirus? Master these 3 points, you can know what is right

Some people say that 5G base stations spread the virus. According to the British Daily Mail, on April 2, local time, the 5G signal base station in Birmingham, England was set on fire, and the firefighters put out the fire after two hours. Earlier, there were rumors that “5G networks spread the new crown virus”, which may have been arson this time. Such rumors can also be believed, it seems that some people in the UK have a basic medical literacy worrying! It turned out that not only did we have rumors, they were all the same, and when a new virus came and the mortality rate was not low, everyone panicked. So how do we tell which information is rumors and how to do it right? It is believed that the information released by the authoritative organization has a recognition process for the new coronaviruses discovered at the end of 2019, and it is the same for scientists, doctors, and the public. But as a new coronavirus, as a respiratory infectious disease, they have one thing in common, how to deal with the principle that cannot exceed the big, such as the principle of “controlling the source of infection, cutting off the transmission route, and protecting susceptible people”. In order to eliminate everyone’s panic, the authority will basically release the known, useful, and operational knowledge to everyone. These authoritative institutions include: World Health Organization (WHO), China Center for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), Huashan Infection (public account of Huashan Hospital Infection Department), and knowledge released by national news clients. The knowledge released by these authoritative organizations is very timely and is confirmed and confirmed information. This knowledge is absolutely credible and can teach us how to deal with it daily. You can take a look at the “China Disease Control News” of the Chinese Center for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), the knowledge in it is very timely and accurate, and each article is very practical, such as: “Public Ride Guide” New Coronavirus Prevention and Control Guide, etc. I believe that professionals in this epidemic, many people let us know and trust, I think there must be academicians Zhong Nanshan and Dr. Zhang Wenhong, I am also a big fan of them. In fact, professionals also include the doctors around you, and these people have the common characteristics of scientific literacy and medical knowledge. As a doctor, I will pay attention to the dynamics of the disease as soon as possible. Any new research results will be learned as soon as possible and the determined knowledge will be disseminated. For example, the transmission of new coronavirus is droplet transmission and contact transmission. Popularized to the public for a while. Whether there is animal transmission or not, when there is no research, it is all expressed like this: “There is no relevant research at present.” It is very rigorous to live. If you are still unsure, consult a doctor you know. The doctor is in the hospital and is the closest to the patient. Whether it is their individual or the hospital’s control methods, it is the most useful. So I believe that professionals, especially the doctors around them, are right. I believe the official information. Many people now think that a lot of information is transparent, and there is everything in the circle of friends, but I want to tell you that the official information is definitely the most accurate. Therefore, the information obtained by individuals is partial, and it is difficult to grasp comprehensive information. The official data is the most comprehensive and the measures formulated are most in line with current reality. The policies of the country, the provinces, cities, and even the community are very targeted, and there are suspected cases there, so they must be followed. Only in this way is it safest. Thousands of hearsays, listen to what hot baths can prevent the virus, rumors broke out there, and what special effects came out … so I believe the information issued by the authority, the medical knowledge provided by professionals, the information released by the official organization Policy. In this way, you can tell what is right and what is a rumor, and your safety is guaranteed.