Faced with a frustrated close relationship, what is your choice?

In the background, I often receive messages from readers similar to this: I broke up with my lover, but only after calming down did I realize that there are too many misunderstandings and impulses, but I don’t know how to fix it. Of course, there is a worse situation, that is, the more you recover, the more alienated the other person is. In fact, these situations are very common. An agency survey shows that more than 90% of people have made these fatal mistakes in the recovery process: 1. I am very worried that if this continues, you will never get back together. 2. Explain over and over how good you are to the other party. 3. Keep arguing, it’s not your fault. 4. Constantly explain to the other party that this time you have reformed. 5. Constantly apologize for what you have done. 6. Keep calling and texting the other party, asking for forgiveness. 7. Let unprofessional friends around you help you make suggestions. &nbsp.&nbsp. Why are these errors so fatal? Because they reflect the two most common mistakes in romantic relationships: too humble and too self-centered. And this is usually the real cause of the breakup. Therefore, using these methods to restore the lover often has the opposite effect-making the other person more decisive to leave. As for the reason, let me analyze it carefully for you. Let me talk about self-centeredness first. “Constantly stressing that the fault is not on me.” “Explaining over and over again how much I have paid for and how good I am to the other party” is actually a manifestation of self-centeredness. First, if there are really only unilateral mistakes, such feelings do not need to be restored. Take domestic violence, for example, the first time there will be the ten thousandth. But in most breakups, both sides are wrong, plus some misunderstandings, it makes things go beyond control. Second, everyone has their own set of right and wrong standards, and the meaning of intimacy lies in both being able and willing to understand each other’s values ​​and accepting the part that is different from them. Constantly emphasizing that you are right, it just proves that you are not thinking from the other side’s perspective. Know that feelings are not destroyed by right or wrong, but by imposing one’s own right and wrong standards on the other person. This will cause a strong sense of oppression and alienation to the other party. Every time you emphasize that you are right, he can only feel the loss of his will that has never been respected, so in the end he can only make him want to leave more. Regarding one’s own contributions and using them as capital for being loved and bargaining is even more a taboo in feelings. How good you are to the other party is not based on your contribution, but based on the other party’s feelings. To make a simple analogy, when I was in college, on Valentine’s Day, there would always be a few infatuated boys downstairs in the girls’ dormitory. For a while, they placed candles as love, and for a while they placed the candles as girls’ names and shouted ” xxx I love you”. In the eyes of boys, this is undoubtedly a huge sacrifice, requiring a lot of courage to endure the curious and ridiculous gazes of strangers to create a romance exclusively for girls. But according to what I know, most of the time the object of their courtship feels not romance, but embarrassment. They will even feel pain because of the moral kidnapping of the people around them: This boy is so shameless for you, how can you not accept him? Therefore, paying more does not mean treating her well or not, only she knows. When you try to salvage a relationship by emphasizing your own dedication, the high probability that the other person thinks in his mind is “When you paid this, did you ask me if I wanted it?” and “You always say how much you paid, But have I ever asked you to pay back for what you paid?” So he felt more wronged and wanted to leave you even more. In the final analysis, if you want to redeem a relationship, you have to abandon self-centered thoughts, don’t get entangled, and don’t always try to ask the other person to understand you by emphasizing your own feelings and your contributions. This will only make the other person want to stay away from you even more. Let’s talk about the humble. Constantly explain to the other person that you have reformed this time. I kept apologizing for what I did. Keep calling and texting each other, asking for forgiveness. The essence of these things is the same, they are all showing your humbleness to each other. But humbleness itself is against love. The essence of love is attraction, but humbleness has no attraction. Humbleness is a kind of flattery, telling the other person “You can hurt me unscrupulously, betray me, and I will not